Friday, March 8, 2013

1 of 3: The Power of JesusZoloftAventyl

I once wrote a line which could probably form the mantra of my own religion, if I ever started one. There is nothing that a lot of Jesus, some coffee, and a small bit of Zoloft cannot fix. Now, I must admit that I should add with Aventyl as an adjuvant to my mantra -- but the basic point holds. This example of Tanner's Law popped into my mind tonight as I was pondering how not-broken I feel this week. Sure, my body is not in great shape, plus I have zero career prospects right now, a book that will probably never get finished (let alone published), etc etc etc., but... well... I just... feel good in my spirit. It's like, wow this is what life is supposed to feel like. It's amazing to ponder where I have been, where I am now, and where I dream of going, but in the last few days I have really felt bonded to my seminary community. I feel at home there. And that is a very good thing, indeed.

I feel like some sort of, I dunno, human being or something. The line said by Treebeard at the beginning of the third LOTR film really resonates with me (hence my mention of it for the second blog entry in a row): the filth of Saruman is washing away. My "personal Saruman" is a combination of demons, but it is like I have shifted into a new gear. I feel like I have crossed into a new level of healing; it's like I completed some sort of major milestone in my many-year quest to get back on the right path. I often think about "where I lost my way" and, indeed, I have pondered that topic in other essays, so it's not like this is a new issue.

But it is clearer than ever to me that while there were specific incidents, specific choices I made along the way that pushed me off the "right" path into my so-called Lost Decade, there was no one single event that was the last straw -- or the first straw, either, for that matter. It took me a long time to become a train-wreck, so it's not like I am going to un-wreck overnight. What I find interesting though is that the shift in my energy over the last few weeks has already caused shaking across other aspects of my life... and the life of other people around me. More on that later.

For now, I close with the lyrics of a song by Erasure from Chorus, their 1991 masterpiece and one of the best albums of any genre, any decade, any group, etc., ever released IMHO. I'm not sure why this song popped into my mind -- it's not like it is reflective of the current state of things with the spectacularly attractive guy I have been writing about recently. Well, not directly... but I suppose that the overall mood of the song is reflective of my current emotional state regarding relationships in general. I don't think I have ever felt more normal about looking for a partner. That is to say, I feel like I have finally reached some sort of peace with, and control over, my extremely intense emotions around love. I'm just not that... well, needy anymore. Hard to explain. Must ponder on that for a while...

Am I Right?
Track 5 from the 1991 Erasure album "Chorus"

Waiting at the bus stop, laughing off the rain;
Shaking their umbrellas, 'til it starts again.

Flowers in the water, floating off downstream;
Paper in the gutter, blowing in the breeze...

Wandering through the back roads, and the rain comes rushing down;
To resolve, your love, for a man in his twenties.
Am I right? Am I wrong?
Or am I just dreaming?

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