Wow. What an eventful few weeks this has been. Where to begin... where to begin...
The SoCal trip was wonderful... Deborah and I drove over 2000 miles and never left the state of California! God truly does work in mysterious ways; we weren't even two hours into the first day of the trip when God had worked a miracle: through her natural proclivities as a shaman, Deborah offered me a shocking level of clarity as to just what the f*ck had been going on with me and BDA. Even though the information is considered "public" in the sense that it is not secret stuff per se, it was made crystal-clear to me that BDA himself is not ready to hear the truth of our connection over multiple lifetimes. So be it; out of respect for him and my own emotional vulnerability, I choose to keep the information to myself for the time being. But let's just say this: there is more in our history than I even would have dared to imagine, and yet when Deborah was channeling it I could not have felt the presence of truth any more strongly.
It was truly a gift from God. A gift of peace. Now, let's be clear on something: I don't like where things are with him right now, inasmuch as I think it is absolutely ridiculous that he does not see the beauty I see when I look at him and I think it's he took the easy way out when he threw that big stanky red STOP sign at me... but... I respect it as his process. His need. His coping mechanism.
His loss.
We did have a wonderful air-clearing talk; I was able to tell him that he hurt my feelings and why. Bizarrely enough, he apologized for offending me and I was like, umh, what? So I stood my ground and said, quite directly, that there is a difference between offended and hurt -- I was not in the least bit offended. I was hurt, but not offended. And I also told him, furthermore, that I was hurt because he never even gave me a chance to make my case and that it was only in hindsight that I realized the blessing of it. Because, honestly, I do not know him well enough to know whether I would actually want to date him either. I may not be putting up a stop-sign, but I do recognize that I do not necessarily have enough data to know.
And that's where things took a bit of a surreal turn... not necessarily in a bad way, per se, but susreal. He mentioned that if I knew half the things he had done to his exes, I probably would not want to pursue him. I do credit myself with the strength of character to empower my response... "TRY ME." And I also reminded him that I am the boss of me and I decide who I like or do not like. I think he respected my responses, although I think he was a bit taken aback by my bluntness. I did make reference to how I know that I am not his type... he found that bizarre, to say the least; he replied that he wondered how I could possibly know that. All I had in response, which was the truth, is that I just... well... knew. I could sense it. And I think he finally admitted it, although in a very obtuse way: I don't think he likes white guys.
And there you have it. I am so sick-and-tired of it being completely acceptable for white people to "prefer" people of color and yet if a white person prefers white then he is a racist... umh, maybe I am missing something here, but isn't that just another form of racial discrimination? Not liking me because of my skin color is just as racist no matter what the color you like or don't like happens to be.
Sigh.
Now, I like what a close friend said about the whole thing with BDA. I made an off-hand comment about how what he needs to do is to put a ring on my finger; her immediate response was so right-on... what he needs to do is to GET HIS SHIT TOGETHER. And it leaves open a central question for me... do I wait?
The simple answer is, bluntly, no. This same friend pointed out that she feels like it is God's message for me that it is time to focus on me -- my upcoming surgery, putting my spiritual house in order toward ordination and finishing school, etc. -- and she is certainly right.
But...
But the truth of the matter is that there are one or two other, ahem, leads that I might want to pursue. Do I have anything like the intuitive "hit" I get when I ponder my feelings for BDA? No. But a man who seeks only to pluck the stars is a fool who misses the jewels arrayed at his feet. It is high-time that I looked more around my feet; God will lift me to the stars on His own time.
Weird. This blog post turned into a basic diary entry. Weird indeed. And like any good diary entry, it can have a totally random non-sequitur. Like this:
My mentor told me this past Sunday that he thinks I am absolutely and totally right for ministry with just one thing to work on. My Achilles heal, as it were. And wouldn't ya know, it is something I already knew I needed to "fix" or to "manage" in my life. What a blessing. I'm lining up the spiritual director and the therapist in order to work on it -- finally. After all these months of having it randomly surface and scare the bajeezus out of me like the proverbial shark-fin, I am going to take it on directly.
You are legion? So be it. I am a vessel of the Holy Spirit, cleansed by the blood of Jesus. Bring it on, bitch.
