Saturday, February 11, 2012

How Will I Know?

How do I explain how I feel at this precise moment, this One Moment In Time? How do I explain to you, my beloved reader, what I see when I watch the news reports at this very moment? How can I make it make sense to anyone but me that while you see reporters talking about her death, I see a fun-house mirror reflection of myself as a scared, lonely gay teenager? While you see clips of her hit music videos, can you understand that I see a scared, lonely gay teenager whose primary refuge from the fear of being unloved was in the pop music of my youth?

How do I hold on to these now-cherished moments of adolescent nostalgia when they keep getting gut-punched by the reality of mortality? How do I put into words the emotional connection that, to this day, I feel when I hear these trite pop songs from the 1980s? Will you even let me try to explain it to you, or will you just dismiss me as a drama queen who always gets So Emotional? Will you make fun of me? Will you even take a second to try understanding why this music still speaks so powerfully to the scared young gay kid I still am inside?

The truth is that beyond what I have just written above, there really are no words to explain it. If you don't understand how I feel right now then there is nothing I can write that will make it clear. Let us leave it be.

Let her music speak for itself.
Let the dream that gay kid had, of being loved, live on inside the adult he has become.
RIP Whitney: the all-star choir of Heaven grows, yet again.

May of 1987: within the span of one week, I turned 16 years old, I got my driver's license, I got my first car, and Whitney Houston released this song.

Thursday, February 2, 2012

Stendhal Syndrome

This week, at the kickoff meeting of my Visual Arts class, the instructor taught us about Stendhal Syndrome. I certainly have experienced it before, and in fact I would argue that fervent ecstatic worship such as Pentecostal praxis is a regimented form of the syndrome.

But I must say, today... Thursday the 2nd of February 2012... Groundhog Day... was a magic day. I have absolutely no doubt whatsoever that God is alive. Or to put it in terms of Jedi theology: the Living Force is still operating and the Unifying Force is still pulling us together into a state of Oneness.


These two words, without hundreds of words to set them in context, are certainly esoteric in the extreme. But, that's the thing about the Stendhal moment: there are no words that can adequately explain the beauty of the words Sarah and Refuge in juxtaposition. So, I will simply present some words that sum it up:

Praise ye the LORD! Praise God in His sanctuary;
praise Him in the firmament of His power!
Praise Him for His mighty acts;
praise Him according to His excellent greatness!
Praise Him with the sound of the trumpet;
praise Him with the psaltery and harp!
Praise Him with the timbrel and dance;
praise Him with stringed instruments and organs!
Praise Him upon the loud cymbals;
praise Him upon the high sounding cymbals!
Let everything that hath breath praise the LORD!
Praise ye the LORD!
-Psalm 150 (21-KJV)