Sunday, February 10, 2013

God and My Toilet

Something strange happened at home a few weeks ago...
when I was sitting on the toilet.

No, this is not a pericope about the terminus of my alimentary canal; this is about my toilet seat. A few weeks ago when I was sitting on it, it cracked. When it happened, several things went through my mind as I sat there laughing -- because I must admit, it was hilarious. I didn't injure myself, nothing broke except for a hairline crack in one area of the seat, etc.

Side note -- I think it might be time to admit a secret. Here goes:
I watch too much of Seth MacFarlane's work. But I digress.

In response to this straight-line crack in an otherwise perfectly fine toilet seat I did what humans in the Global North tend to do when confronted with a so-called "first-world" problem: I ignored it. Now, to be clear -- the connection will hopefully become obvious -- I believe that God made the multiverse & everything in each of its universes, including my toilet seat. And, looking back on it now with my knowledge of Euclidean-type physics, it is perfectly obvious what was going to happen. Repeated application of a balanced downward force -- a nice euphemism for "my big fat hairy ass sitting on the crapper" -- on a torus-shaped object with non-uniform tensile resistance equal to less than the force being applied, yields one result. It is only a matter of time.

Parallel to that line of reasoning -- or so I thought -- I had been feeling over the last few weeks that God was softly knocking on my door with a message. And I freely admit that I was afraid of his message. So God did what God is so good at: he kept trying different ways of knocking. And I must really have been trying his patience.

This morning, God was done being patient with me. Aaaaaand... boom goes the dynamite. Or the toilet as the case may be. As I sat down on the toilet this morning, I heard an odd snapping noise, and the seat broke clean into two pieces. With my "balanced downward force" -aka- big fat hairy ass sitting on top of it. Fortunately I did not fall off the toilet or get physically injured. And again I laughed. But this time, I am taking it a step further.

Hear ye hear ye, this formal notice of response to God.
From his disciple, Philip Tanner: Rabboni, I hear you!

You, my dear reader, may now commence with the pointing and the laughing.


  1. Laughing I did, because, well, it *is* silly, but I can't really talk much because I get some of my best ideas (or have my best god chats) either on the toilet or in the shower. It's usually not that dramatic, though...;)

    Oh, and on the train, particularly caltrain...

  2. Gina -- the funny thing is, I decided to start just writing random stuff on BART using the Notes app on my iPhone. No intention of formalizing it. And, suddenly I have all this content oozing out of me! ;)

  3. The LORD works in ... Nevermind :)

  4. God makes toilet seats? Really?
    I had an idea for an improved seat. I call it the "Adjust-a-Butt".
    It has a knob that adjusts the size of the opening. Not everybody has the same size butt, so this would be like a "one size fits all".
    Can you tell god for me? Maybe he can get it into production(?)